Satan and his Minions

I have recently been informed by my barber that Satan hissef has taken over the Democratic party as well as Bill Gates. They are, in fact, actively working to undermine the current administration. I was also told that Donald J Trump was chosen by God hissef to implement God’s will on Earth. Now that there is some tall orders for both Satan and God.

I don’t know who tracks such things, but apparently my barber has a direct line to the man upstairs and has it on good authority that these things are indeed happening as we speak. I became a little annoyed during the conversation and asked him for some evidence, to which he immediately started speaking into his phone. He had a long and complicated question that he relayed to whoever was on the other end. I assume there was no answer or he got the answering machine, because we never did get the answer to my question.

The question I really have is, with an observable universe of between 200 billion and 2 trillion galaxies, how does God or Satan have time to fuck with either Donald or the Democrats or Bill Gates. I suppose one could say that both God and Satan are omnipotent and omnipresent. Then I guess they would both have time and energy to accomplish these nefarious purposes. But the question still remains of why. What is the goal? What is the preferred outcome? And why is it so fucking important? Let’s do a little thought experiment, shall we?

The experiment involves Satan inhabiting the Democratic party and Bill gates. The Democratic Party platform plank number one, according to my barber, is to actively work to implement Satan’s goals on the earth. What is Satan’s goal? According to the Bible, it is to blind and obstruct us as to the truth and will of God. So therefore, applying some advanced mathematical logic that I learned in my college philosophy class

  • Satans goal is to obstruct the will and truth of God
  • Satan has inhabited the Democratic Party
  • The Democratic Party is actively working to obstruct Donald J Trump and his administration
  • Therefore Donald J Trump must be God
  • Q.E.D.

According to my barber, Satan is also inhabiting Bill Gates, so we need to bring him into the experiment as well. Apparently, Satan’s plan is to destroy the Trump administration by using technology developed by Bill gates. My barber says that Bill Gates has acquired or created patents for Corona Virus cures that he is hiding from all of humanity. He is also actively working to open pedophilia fast food joints throughout the US using plans developed by Jeffrey Epstein, the originator of the concept. Bill acquired these plans from Jeffrey before his untimely demise and is aggressively pursuing venture capital for the launch of an IPO from other like minded power brokers like Jeff Bezos, George Soros, and Hillary Clinton.

I know, I know, this all sounds kinda crazy, but hear me out. If my barber, who I thought seemed like a pretty sane guy, believes this shit, there must be lot’s more like minded individuals. He had to get this information from somewhere, cause even on my wildest LSD trip, I could not have come up with it. And what if it’s all true? Then we are all really fucked, cause I doubt that a nitwit like Donald can outwit the likes of Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates, especially if Satan is helping them out.

I’m kinda hoping that both Satan and God get bored with the whole thing, cause they both certainly have bigger fish to fry. Black holes, super novas, and dark matter need to be maintained over the 46 or so billion light years of space in the observable universe. That would keep an army of Tim the Tool Man Taylors busy for a couple or three millennia.

In closing, I would like to solicit recommendations for a new barber. I’ll be interviewing potentials next week.

All content Copyright of Christopher Hammond