The Great Luigi

Evel Knievel was the dude we all wanted to emulate. I mean sheesh, this guy tried to jump the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle … and he lived! We had all heard the stories that he had broken every bone in his body at least once. That must have included the talus (whatever that is), which according to Google searches that I have done, is the least broken bone in the body. And we know that if it is on the internet, it must be true. I also found a bunch of links that listed the most frequently broken bones in the body so I am assuming that Evel must have broken these a few times, in order to break every bone in his body and eventually get to the talus.

I’ll leave it to you, dear reader, to find the aforementioned lists, as most of them were from various ambulance chasing law firms that were trying to suck somebody dry. Rest assured, at least one of these lists was correct, as I am sure that they have a crack team of legal analysts scouring the internet for clues.

My little brother, also known as “The Great Luigi”, decides one day, with the aid of a few of his nincompoop friends, that he was going to jump over Vaughn’s Creek with his banana bike. I know, you are all saying “right, someone would be stupid enough to try that”. Remember Evel Knievel?

At one particular point in Vaughn’s Creek, there is a bridge. Leading up to that bridge, is a huge downsloping hill. At the bottom of said hill is the creek bank, a 20 foot span of creek, and another creek bank. The ground crew for this daring feat had set up a 4×8 plywood ramp at the bottom of the first bank, angled upward based on an advanced mathematical equation derived from the thickness of the rocks that they could find along the creek bed.

The Great Luigi mounted his banana bike at the top of the hill and took off in a cloud of heifer dust towards the creek. Now on a banana bike, you needed to get your legs spinning at about 200 RPMs in order to get up to any reasonable speed, so Luigi had his work cut out. The Great Luigi hits the ramp at about 30 miles per hour, launches out over the creek, and lands exactly in the center of the creek with a monstrous splash, clacking his testicles on the cross bar. The most amazing thing is that he was still able to have kids 20 years later.

I don’t remember if anyone tried to stop him or to follow in his foot steps. I seem to remember other kids saying, “Go for it, I’m next”. I don’t remember anyone actually going next. Same with Evel Knievel.

All content copyright of Christopher Hammond