A few years ago my wife and I met with a nutritionist. The dude did a bunch of analysis using various measurements of our bodies, followed by a food diary that we kept for a couple of weeks. We turned in that information and he proceeded to inform us on all of the faults in the way we looked at food. My wife loved the guy to death. Me? I kinda felt like he was a little bit hippy dippy, if ya know what I mean. He was anti-gluten to the nth degree and actually did blood analysis to determine our sensitivity to this dread nemesis of the 20th century. The result was and is a long history of attempts at eliminating gluten from my wife’s diet. Mine not so much as I didn’t really buy into the whole “gluten is the enemy of mankind” way of thinking. Also, let’s face it, beer and pizza are two of the main food groups in the food pyramid.
One thing that did survive the great gluten purge of the last decade, is subtle changes in my dietary habits. One of my takeaways from “the dude” is that I needed more of a caloric balance between protein (30%), carbohydrate (40%), and good fat (30%). Also that there are “good fats” and “bad fats” when it comes to my diet. Animal fats, tropical oils, and trans fats like margarine are considered “bad fats”. Plant oils, nuts, avocados, and Omega-3 fats like salmon are considered “good fats”.
The dude also asserted that certain foods can impact your immune system, so if you have any immune system disorders they can be at least partially treated by adjusting your diet. His claim was that night shade vegetables contained certain substances that were associated with autoimmune responses and as such should be avoided. What are nightshade vegetables you innocently ask? Nightshade is a family of plants that includes tomatoes, eggplant, potatoes, and peppers. Tobacco is also in the nightshade family. Nightshades are unique because they contain small amounts of alkaloids. In any event, I didn’t really buy into the whole “nightshades is bad” theory after some brief research, so I continue to be a gluten sucking nightshade eater to this day (see the aforementioned pizza and beer theory of life). The dude did convince me that I needed to adjust my vitamin D intake and was able to objectively prove that my vitamin D levels were below par. My limited research into vitamin D is that we all need it and it can only be either consumed directly or produced through our bodies interacting with sunlight. So winter generally is a vitamin D deficient time for most upstate New Yorkers.
So, what changed for me? I gots one word – Smoothies! Each morning, I concoct a smoothie consisting of a secret list of ingredients that I will now reveal to all humanity. At least in my mind it contains, in the words of Dozer from the Matrix, “a single-celled protein combined with synthetic aminos, vitamins, and minerals. Everything the body needs.” Emphasis on “Everything the body needs.”
Well, maybe not exactly, but it does align with the vitamins, protein, carbohydrates, good fats, vitamin D, and fiber that was recommended by “the dude”. So here it is for all the world to see, in it’s full “dude-a-reno” glory.
- 1 cup unsweetened almond milk
- 1 cup purified water
- 1/2 of a medium banana
- 1/2 cup frozen brocolli
- 1/2 cup frozen blueberries
- 1 tablespoon ground chia seeds
- 1 oz frozen avocado
- 2 scoops Orgain organic plant based protein (chocolate flavored)
- 4 drops of liquid vitamin D
I then blend this concoction in a Nutri Bullet blender and drink it down whilst watching the morning news. I know it sounds kinda bad, but hear me out. If you like chocolate milk shakes, you are good to go, because that’s exactly what this tastes like. Also it contains exactly 419 calories in the aforementioned 30/40/30 ratio for protein/carbohydrates/fat as well as plenty of fiber and vitamins D, C, and A according to the MyFitnessPal App. So there, I’ve done all of the research for you and you can rest in the fact that I am still alive and healthy at 64, after at least 5 years of drinking these things.
Disclaimer – I am not a doctor and take no responsibility for any side effects of adhering to my daily regimen. Side effects may or may not include nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoes, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete’s foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction.
