Back in the late 80’s, right after I got married, I bought a really cheap fixer upper of a house. Now when I say fixer upper, I really mean fixer upper. The house needed every molecule replaced, as virtually everything either leaked, crumbled, or squeaked. The biggest faults of this monstrosity were plumbing, wiring, and the complete lack of non-toxic paint on all surfaces. The theory was that if we could just get the place properly electrified, plumbed and painted, we could rest peacefully within. In an effort to get the job done as expeditiously as possible, I enlisted the skills of my half crazed brother-in-law.
My nutty brother in law, whom we shall call Daybee Fraybee, is a six foot three inch tall accident prone string bean with buck teeth. He was and is a never ending stream of entertainment, able to replicate the sound of about any motorized vehicle with uncanny accuracy. It was these unique skills, along with the fact that he worked for food and had no fear of heights, that made him indispensable in my quest to resurrect the collapsing monstrosity that was to be our new happy home. Our initial tasks were to fix the plumbing and to prepare the house for a fresh coat of paint. Daybee Fraybee agreed to climb up to the roof, scrape the paint off of the second story, and caulk all of the nail holes. I headed inside to disconnect the water and start work on the plumbing. Daybee Fraybee climbed the ladder onto the roof and begins the task of scraping the paint and filling the nail holes with the GE Silicone Caulk (TM) from the caulk gun.
Now to those that are unfamiliar with how a caulk gun works, I must digress and explain the nuances thereof. A caulk gun is essentially a pump that pushes a thick gluey silicone based substance out of a little hole in the end of a tube under pressure. Silicone caulk will stick to about anything and is very difficult to remove.
I was inside the house working on the plumbing, when I heard a blood curdling scream from outside the house. Running out to the porch and looking up to the roof, I saw Daybee Fraybee staggering around on the roof with his hands over his eyes.
Apparently, the caulk gun was clogged. In an effort to unclog the gun, he pointed it at his nose and pumped it up to about 200 PSI. When it did not unclog, he gave the tube a slight squeeze, resulting in a pound of GE Silicone Caulk being fuel injected into his eye lids. I clambered up the ladder and half carried him down to the ground amidst screams and curses.
Unfortunately, the water was disconnected on the first floor, due to my plumbing adventures, so I needed to get Daybee Fraybee up the stairs as quickly as possible to flush his eyes out with water. Grabbing his hand, I rushed for the stairway, and proceeded to ram his head into the door jam, knocking him temporarily unconscious. Daybee eventually came to his senses and we made our way to the second floor. Flushing his eyes with water was fruitless, as nothing could get the silicone from under his eyelids. His eyes were in there somewhere, hidden beneath a quarter inch of caulk.
Off to the Emergency Room we rushed in Daybee’s dilapidated VW Rabbit, which only he knew how to shift. With me driving and Daybee shifting, we eventually made it to the ER. Upon entering the reception area, I whispered to Daybee that the room was jam packed and we would probably be waiting here for hours. To which Daybee replied “Bullshit!” and rushed into the reception area shouting “My eyes!! My eyes!!”.
Now I have seen many hospital shows, including “Emergency”, “ER”, and the like, but never have I seen such service! Doctors, nurses, orderlies, all scurrying out of their cubbies to provide instantaneous assistance to the wounded Daybee Fraybee. In the end, they were able to flush his eyes out and treat him for a slight concussion.
There was a study in 1919, in which workers at a British munitions factory were found to have different rates of accidents. In fact a small number of workers accounted for most of the accidents.
Although Daybee Fraybee certainly was known for having lots of mishaps, I prefer to believe that it is because he is adventurous by nature. It may also be that there is an accident prone gene mutation and that Daybee Fraybee is the equivalent of a mutant X-Man when it comes to accidents.
All content copyright of Christopher Hammond
