Bye Bye Miss American Pie

Boomers of a certain age share certain memories in a global orgy of corporate knowledge. Now, I am not talking about baby boomers in general, just baby boomers of a certain age. What is that age, you innocently ask? Well the only age that I know about is presently 66. This, even though I have previously explained that the “present” does not actually exist, since it immediately becomes the past, the minute that you think it.

What is so interesting about the age of 66 in the year 2024, you again innocently ask. Well, lemme tell ya. 62 is the age at which you can start drawing Social Security, and if you wait until 66 you get a little bonus raise of about 32%. I’ve read that the vast majority of people draw Social Security at 62, even though you are taking it at a vast discount to full retirement age. I personally have no plans of taking it a 66, even with the raise, since I believe I will live forever. So the later I take it, the longer I can spend sucking our economy dry.

Also, if you are 66 this year, you graduated from high school in 1976, the 200th anniversary of the good old USA. Why is that important? I dunno, but it just makes me feel kinda special. 1976 was also the year that pretty much nothing of interest happened. I mean there were no wars, Carter got elected, and Peyton Manning was born. You can’t get much more vanilla yogurt than that, now can you?

Now I’ll get to what I really want to point out. If you are 66 this year, you were born in 1958, during the Eisenhower administration, coincidentally also a year where pretty much nothing happened.

  • At 5 years old you witnessed the assassination of JFK.
  • At 9, you probably heard your older sister playing the Sergeant Pepper album through an old Magnavox tube record player from her room.
  • At 11, you witnessed the first landing on the moon and the Woodstock Music Festival on television.
  • At 13 you bought the American Pie and Spirit in the Sky 45 records.
  • At 17 you witnessed the end of the Viet Nam War.
  • And at 18 you watched the opening of the Star Wars and Monty Python and the Holy Grail movies at the local theater.

I said all that to say this – you’ve had a wonderful life filled with virtually no conflict and many happy memories. Embrace it and be thankful.

Now put on your damn protective mask and wash your hands with Purell. I don’t wanna be catching no Kroner Virus from your sorry unwashed ass.

All material Copyright of Christopher Hammond