What would it be like if puddy tats ruled the world?
I can’t say for certain, but I can hazard an educated guess based on my own resident despot: Bootsy Collins, a ten-year-old tuxedo cat who, like his namesake, walks with funk but governs with iron (and fur-covered) paws.
He is the template for our future feline overlords. And let me tell you right now: if cats take control of this planet, we are screwed.
🐾 Passive Aggression: The State Religion
You might think a cat-led world would be cute. Fluffy. Maybe a bit whimsical.
Wrong.
It would be a passive-aggressive nightmare fueled by unmet expectations and aggressively finicky snack demands. Bootsy, for example, is on a strict diet of Fresh, Rotated, and Mysteriously Expensive™. If his food hasn’t been changed out within a 48-hour cycle, he files a formal protest by yowling outside our bedroom door like a tiny furry ghost with abandonment issues.
Did I mention he does this at exactly 6:30 AM every morning? Not 6:29. Not 6:31. Cats, unlike your co-workers, respect punctuality—especially when it’s inconvenient.
🕶️ The Tabletop Terrorist
You know how dictators stage dramatic gestures to get attention?
Bootsy knocks my glasses off the nightstand. Or my coffee. That’s right. He targets caffeine.
This behavior is usually timed for moments when I’m ignoring him—say, reading a book or trying to maintain a sliver of human dignity. He’ll then swat the object to the floor with the indifference of a Bond villain activating a death ray. And then—then!—he chases the object under the couch so I have to crawl after it like a hungover raccoon.
Some say cats do this to simulate hunting. I say Bootsy does it because he knows I’ll scream obscenities that would make Gordon Ramsay weep into his risotto.
Of course, my wife and daughter claim he’s deaf.
I maintain that Bootsy is just pretending. Weaponized selective hearing: the feline specialty.
🧻 The Toilet Paper Incident
The other day, I discovered an entire 2000-sheet roll of toilet paper unravelled in the guest bathroom. The scene looked like a haunted Charmin factory exploded.
Was it Bootsy?
Was it an intruder?
Was it a ghost?
I’ll never know. But when I confronted Bootsy, he blinked once, turned his back on me, and began cleaning himself. If that’s not the behavior of a guilty man—I mean, cat—I don’t know what is.
And really, why would he do such a thing?
As Alfred says in The Dark Knight:
“Some cats just want to watch the world burn… and then poop in the ashes.”
🙏 The Gospel According to Bootsy
There are countless more infractions, but I’ll summarize using my own feline translation of John 21:25:
“Bootsy did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole internet would not have room for the blogs that would be written.”
😻 But Then… The Purr
Yet—just when I’m ready to ship him off to a nice, quiet cardboard box in Timbuktu—Bootsy does something that melts my heart.
He climbs into my lap as I drift off in my recliner, purring like a tiny, benevolent motorcycle. For a moment, we are just two souls napping through the apocalypse together.
Then, just as I hit REM sleep, he ever-so-slowly inserts a single claw into my forearm. Not enough to draw blood—just enough to say, “Hey, dummy. Wake up and feed me.”
It’s that precise claw control that reminds me: Bootsy could operate nuclear codes if given the chance.
🐈 So What If Cats Ruled the World?
Let’s summarize:
- Decisions made based on whims.
- Demands for absolute loyalty, luxury, and snacks.
- Attention-seeking behavior.
- Random destruction, probably for sport.
- Total emotional manipulation, followed by claw-based retribution.
Wait a second…
Are we talking about cats or global leaders?
Honestly, I’m starting to think this whole “cats taking over the world” thing wouldn’t be that much of a change. At least cats are cute while they oppress us.
So the next time your cat knocks something off a table, or screams at you for more tuna, or shreds a roll of paper like it’s a dissident document—just remember:
You’re looking at your future president. Long may he nap.
