What would it be like if puddy tats ruled the world? I can’t say for certain, but I can hazard an educated guess based on my own resident despot: Bootsy Collins, a ten-year-old tuxedo cat who, like his namesake, walks with funk but governs with iron (and fur-covered) paws. He is the template for our future […]
When Cats Rule the World: A Warning from Bootsy the Tuxedo Tyrant Read More »
One of my lifelong dreams—besides not forgetting why I walked into a room—is to drive the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Yes, that 27-foot rolling meat torpedo of joy. That iconic American sausage-shaped chariot. The Holy Grill of roadside novelty vehicles. I’ve whispered this dream to friends, family, and the occasional DMV clerk. And to my surprise, no one laughed.
Wienermobile Envy in the Corporate World Read More »
Lately, I’ve been having these odd, harmlessly dystopian thoughts. You know, the kind where you fantasize about waking up in a completely changed world. Not like a “new job, new car, new hairline” kind of changed. More like “everyone has calmed down, politics aren’t blood sport, and people at Thanksgiving actually talk to each other”
I Think I Pulled a Rip Van Winkle, and Frankly, I’m Not Mad About It Read More »
Recently, I found myself in the midst of a deeply philosophical conversation with my wife. It was the kind of profound dialogue that makes you question not only the laws of physics, but also the fragility of the human brain after a bike ride. You see, I had just finished a grueling 13-mile cycling workout.
The Thirteen Mile Test Read More »
The other night, I was watching a crime drama. You know the type—dark lighting, brooding protagonist, improbable genius wrapped in a trench coat. The hero in question, a brilliant forensic scientist, was offered a “big job upstairs”—a fast-track promotion. He politely declined with a simple line that hit me like a slap in the brain:
The Last Refuge of Failure Read More »
A tragicomedy in three acts, starring your government. Congratulations, democracy! You handed the keys to the kingdom over to a group of people whose primary qualifications are “owns a webcam,” “has strong opinions about lizard people,” and “once went viral yelling in a truck.” And now, surprise! Everything’s broken, nothing works, and your national discourse
This Is What Happens When You Put Whackos in Charge Read More »
Somewhere along the way, sarcasm became our cultural default. Not wit, not satire, not irony—the good stuff that once made minds turn and ideas stick—but sarcasm, the half-smirked, low-effort cousin of cleverness. These days, if you want to stand out in the vast noise of public discourse, you don’t sharpen your point—you coat it in
Sarcasm: The Blunt Weapon of the Modern Thinker Read More »
Is the apple that is the world getting more rotten with each passing day? And if so why is that? Let’s apply the scientific method to our analysis and see what becomes of it. First let us lay out what the scientific method is. Step one is to create the null hypothesis. A null hypothesis
What a World, What a Rotten World Read More »
Every once in a while, someone gets it twisted. They stand at the crossroads of power and ego, puff out their chest, and start acting like they were born in charge. Like they own the place. Like the pot of gold is theirs, and the rest of us should be grateful just to catch a
You Are Not the Keeper of Our Pot of Gold. You Are a Temporary Leprechaun. Read More »
I was listening to some old John Prine tunes on my streaming service the other day—just letting the music wash over me like it always has. Somewhere between Sam Stone and Souvenirs, my mind drifted back to my late teenage years. I was an aspiring musician at the time, though the emphasis was definitely on “aspiring” and not
Why Can’t We All Just Cheer Up and Get Along? Read More »
