I have a friend that was recently diagnosed with this dread disease, so I decided to do a little research. Nausea, fatigue, and pain in the back are all symptoms that could be pancreatic cancer. They could also be symptoms of a hangover since every human being that I know has back pain. These are symptoms that I have had like since forever, so have I always had pancreatic cancer? Apparently not, since I am still walking around. Pancreatic cancer is considered incurable with a 1 and 5 year survival rate of 20% and 7% respectively.
A couple of symptoms that seem a little more definitive are dark urine and yellow eyes. Now I have known a few people with yellow eyes, but they are still wandering the earth, so it must not have been pancreatic cancer, which brings me to what started me to wondering about all of this. Scut Farkus.
For those unfamiliar with this spawn of satan, let me illuminate your mind. Scut Farkus was the bully in the movie A Christmas Story.Scut Farkus was the bane of Ralphie’s existence, a merciless ginger bully who delighted in cackling at his prey from under his coonskin cap and behind his braces.The protagonist, Ralphie, introduces us to his arch enemy Monsieur Farkus:
There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! SO HELP ME GOD, YELLOW EYES!!
Did Scut Farkus have pancreatic cancer? Apparently not, as he still lives on as a regular in the campy Walking Dead takeoff Z Nation.
I must assume that dark urine is the differentiating factor in the determination of pancreatic cancer. But of course, I have had that too. A little further research reveals that dark urine could be anything from dehydration to cirrhosis of the liver.
So what are we to conclude?
I need to cease reading internet articles about real and/or imagined diseases. I fear that I may be hopping down the hypochondriac trail along with George Castanza and Felix Unger.